A Public Service Announcement

Speaking seriously for a moment — I don’t want to bring anybody down, but... well here goes. 

We live in an age that seems more sensitive than ever to the needs of people outside of the demographic majority. But I’ve got news for you. That’s not mainly a result of the sensitivity of society. That’s due to the fact that transgender groups, for example, are making themselves heard. They’re coming together and raising their voices. But there are other demographics that will never be represented because they will never be heard. Because they’re super embarrassed. For example. There will never be a lobby to try to make sitting on a toilet a less traumatic experience for men north of 50 with droopy ball bags. No, I know it’s gross, this is a public service announcement. You need to hear this. Because one day either you or someone you love will probably have this experience. And you need to have the awareness and strength to say to that man — your partner, your brother your father — you need to talk to him and say, “When you sit on the toilet, do you have to gather yourself up in front like a Medieval maiden gathering apples in her skirt?”

You need to ask that man, “Do you, as a psychological adjustment, actually pretend to be a 12-year-old lass named Heidi in a 15th century apple orchard in the valley of the German-Swiss Alps, pretending your testicles are some kind of frock? Are you sometimes soiling yourself because, in the interest of getting into character, it takes you too long to braid your hair prior to sitting down on the toilet? Does the yodeling of German folk songs that you do help or hinder the movement of your bowels?”  

I’m sorry to gross you out with these observations, young people, but this is stuff you need to know.